I Miss Him

I miss my husband.....that's it. I have another six months until he comes home and there are days when I don't know if I will make it that long. It's so hard being without your other half when the only thing you want is for them to be near.
Throughout 2009, just about every Army unit in our area deployed to Iraq. My husband's unit was one of the last to leave. But now, all of these units are returning....returning to their families, their jobs, their real world. And can I say, I'm a bit jealous. But then I feel bad because I'm jealous. It's ridiculous! These wives have put in their time and paid their dues. They have played single mother to their kids and have dealt with the heartache of distance. But still, I can't help but be upset that my husband is not home also.
This week, I was able to be a part of a homecoming celebration for a very dear friend. Her husband spent a year in Baghdad, working in one of Saddam Hussein's palaces. During their year apart, she gave birth to their first child.....an event that her husband could not be a part of. She raised their son for the first nine months without the help of dad on top of the daily worry that her husband wouldn't make it home to even meet his son. I was thrilled for her that he was on his way home but at the same time, I was angry. Why does her husband get to come home but mine has to stay behind?? Why does she get her husband back now and I have to wait another six months??
I have so much time and will have to continue to watch more wives get their husbands back. I'm very thankful these troops are coming home because there are so many wives that have unfortunately lost theirs. I have to remember that one day, it will be my turn and I will be in his arms again. Until that day comes, I will continue to welcome home our troops and supporting my husband from afar.

HOLY COW!!

It's been close to a year since my last blog update. SOOOO much has happened in the past year and I'm having a hard time deciding where to even begin...
The biggest thing that has happened this year is that my husband has been deployed to Iraq. It's been the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with and at times I wonder if I'm strong enough to handle all that deployment brings. I support my husband in all he does and I couldn't be more proud of him. But there are days when I doubt myself and my abilities to get through the year. His orders to Iraq are for 12 months and thank heavens, we are almost halfway complete!!
I have learned so much about myself and who I am while my he's been away. We decided before he deployed that I would stick it out at home and not move to Colorado with his family. I never really had to do anything on my own so making the decision to stay was very hard. But being on my own, if I want or need something done, I have to do it or it won't get done. I have to rely on myself for certain things. That was a big step for me and I realized that I'm stronger than I once thought.
I miss my husband every single second of every single day and can't wait until he comes home. But until then, I will continue to raise our children and count down the days until he comes home for good. I plan to continue blogging and keeping everyone up to date on this deployment. Pray I can keep my sanity!!

A Cleansing

Haven't blogged in awhile. It's like I have writer's block or something. Not like there's nothing to write about because there is a lot going on right now in my life. With four kids and a military husband, how wouldn't there be?

A teacher of mine in high school, Mr. Levad, had us do a writing exercise everyday. We put a pen to paper and wrote whatever was on our minds for at a solid 10 minutes at the start of class. At first, you sat there wondering what to write about and whether it was relevant. But once you began to write, no matter what it may have been about, the words started to flow. At the end of the allotted time, it was interesting to see what you had before you. Towards the end of the year, the words came easier and the subject worthy of reading.

Still to this day, I find that getting my feelings and thoughts out on paper (or in this case blogging) is like cleansing of the heart and soul. I feel "un-blocked" so to say. I blog when I get the chance and keep a journal, that may be a little more personal, more often.

Sadly, Mr. Levad passed away about a year ago. He was such an enthusiastic teacher and I loved being a part of his classes and in turn, a part of his legacy. I may never write a novel and be on any bestseller's list, but he made me appreciate writing as a pure artform. I think about the people who will miss out on the chance to study under him. He will definately be missed.

I'll continue to write and maybe one day I can produce something beautiful. Right now, I'll stick to being a wife, mother and blogger. Should be interesting.

I'm Not Ready

Life is good. But just when you think that nothing can go wrong, something happens that turns it completely upside down. My husband is being deployed to Iraq. To say that I am scared is an understatment. Not just scared that something would happen to him while he's away but scared because I will have to be without him.

From here, the kids and I will be moving back home to Colorado to be near family and friends while he's gone. This move is something that we have spent a great deal of time discussing. If anything happens while he's away, I will have the support of many people. People to help me get through whatever needs to be done.

I honestly try not to think about him leaving. I live my life everyday as if nothing has changed and we are leading the life that we have always wanted. But then out of nowhere, the thoughts begin to creep in. Thoughts of him missing Christmas, birthdays and our very first wedding anniversary. From there thoughts of him getting injured and (gasp) not returning to me at all begin to take over. I start to break down.

Being strong is important to me and I know that in order for us to get through this hard times, I have got to be stronger than I ever have before. But how do I deal with the fear? I don't want my hubby to see me weak and vunerable because I don't want him to worry. He will have enough to worry about once he's gone and I need him to focus over there so that for sure, he will come home to me where he belongs.

But what if I can't do this alone? How do I deal with all of life's troubles on my own? More importantly, how do I live everyday of my life without my best friend, my lover, my soulmate? I have to have faith and be as strong as I can be.

The holidays are pretty much over now and I made it through without incident. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, a very memorable Christmas and with only one day left until the new year, are looking forward to a fresh start. But what will 2009 bring? I can't help looking back on the events in my life in 2008.

First and foremost, we had a new addition in 2008. On January 23, we welcomed my nephew, Lucas, to the family. He is the most mellow kid I have ever known and I can't wait to see how he takes on the world. Of course, he spent the first year of his life fighting off big brother, Eddie. Don't worry, one day he'll fight back!!

I took a huge chance on myself this year. In March, I took my children and left my husband of nine years. It was so hard making that decision but I knew that it would all turn out for the better. Shortly thereafter, I was contacted by an old friend of mine and we began to get to know each other again. We soon began to talk more frequently and in June, we fell in love. By September, I was officially divorced and ready to start my life over with the man of my dreams.

In October, I packed up my children, the only life I had ever known and moved to Arizona. My man and I were married within the month and well on our way to Washington, which is where the story begins. I'm extremely happy in my life right now and know that as time goes on it can only get better.

I am thankful for the things that I have learned this year. I have found out who my true friends are, who loves me unconditionally, who I can call on now matter what the circumstances and that family is the most important thing. I also learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have proved to myself that I can make it through anything with the right attitude and confidence.

Happy New Year to all of you and I wish for you nothing but the best for many years to come!

Holidays have begun...

This year is the first year that I will be away from my family on the holidays. Thanksgiving was this past Thursday and it was hard. We had all the fixins that I always had growing up, but it still didn't feel like Thanksgiving. There was something missing.

The night before Thanksgiving, my sister and I would usually be at Mom's house starting to get things ready for the next day's festivities. We would bake, cook, and clean. There was always laughter. We would always be laughing about something. That was my favorite part of the whole thing. Laughing with my family about the silliest things. This year, my sister called me a few times from her house as her and my mom were getting things ready for the next day. It made me miss them so much.

Christmas is on the way next and I already long for those shopping days with them. Some days we wouldn't even buy anything, but we would spend the entire day out having fun. Christmas day would roll around and we would all be together opening presents and laughing with each other.

This year is going to be so hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I love where I am right now. There have been a lot of changes this year and I am grateful for each one. I have a man by my side who loves me and three gorgeous children who are the light of my life. It's just difficult to be away from those people that you love so much for the first time in your entire life at this time of year.

I can do this. I have to be strong and put on a brave face. I know that my family misses me too and that they are thinking of me all the time. But what I wouldn't give for one day with my sister again...

He Asked...I Accepted!!

It's a little late, I know but everyone is curious on how he asked. It was completely unexpected and very romantic and worth the fight we had earlier that day. Let me back up a little...

Before we left Arizona for Colorado, we talked about having date night in Grand Junction on Saturday night. We wanted to take full advantage of all the babysitters we had available while in town. Saturday came and I began to talk about wedding planning. Living in Washington and planning a wedding in Colorado takes work...some that can be done via email and Internet, but other work that needs to be done in person. Baines and I began to fight about what needed to be done at that point. The fact that he didn't properly propose came up and I began to get angry. I said to him "Maybe we should just call this off..."

After sitting down to dinner at our place and discussing the issue at hand, he convinced me to see a movie with him. On our way to the theater, he takes a detour towards the Monument telling me he has the perfect place for a picture. I didn't think anything of it. He pulled the truck over at our spot and helped me walk to the edge of the cliff in the dark. Once we reached the top, I could see the candles and small basket which held a bottle of wine and chocolate covered strawberries. He turned towards me and asked the question..."Will You Marry Me?" With tears in my eyes, I exclaimed "Yes!"

Baines reached into the basket, pulled out my ring and slid it onto my finger. Of course, I couldn't see it in the dark! But with the magic of technology, he opened his cell phone and I was able to see the ring that I always wanted sitting beautifully on my left hand. Of course there is a story all its own...

A week before arriving in Colorado, Baines came home from work later than usual. He said that he had taken the afternoon and driven to Tucson to purchase the engagement ring I wanted and the jeweler did not have it. I was bummed because that meant that I would have to wait until we settled in Washington to have my ring. Dang It!! Truthfully, that was all a part of his "Covert Operation". Really, he went to the jeweler, ordered my ring in my size and asked that they deliver it to his dad's house in Colorado to arrive on the 23rd. Every morning, he would call his father and ask if the package arrived. Nothing...until the morning of the 25th...the day of the proposal. He was sweating...no doubt.

So, yes...we are engaged and planning a summer wedding in Colorado. I have already picked a dress, flowers and a cake. Now...where to hold the damn thing...