Monday, March 9, 2009

I'm Not Ready

Life is good. But just when you think that nothing can go wrong, something happens that turns it completely upside down. My husband is being deployed to Iraq. To say that I am scared is an understatment. Not just scared that something would happen to him while he's away but scared because I will have to be without him.

From here, the kids and I will be moving back home to Colorado to be near family and friends while he's gone. This move is something that we have spent a great deal of time discussing. If anything happens while he's away, I will have the support of many people. People to help me get through whatever needs to be done.

I honestly try not to think about him leaving. I live my life everyday as if nothing has changed and we are leading the life that we have always wanted. But then out of nowhere, the thoughts begin to creep in. Thoughts of him missing Christmas, birthdays and our very first wedding anniversary. From there thoughts of him getting injured and (gasp) not returning to me at all begin to take over. I start to break down.

Being strong is important to me and I know that in order for us to get through this hard times, I have got to be stronger than I ever have before. But how do I deal with the fear? I don't want my hubby to see me weak and vunerable because I don't want him to worry. He will have enough to worry about once he's gone and I need him to focus over there so that for sure, he will come home to me where he belongs.

But what if I can't do this alone? How do I deal with all of life's troubles on my own? More importantly, how do I live everyday of my life without my best friend, my lover, my soulmate? I have to have faith and be as strong as I can be.