Found My Niche!

I think I found my calling: Photography. It's always been an interest of mine but I never thought of actually making a career out of it. But this past week, I have had three paying photography jobs. It's so exciting to do something that I have such a passion for and make money doing it!

I still get nervous when outside people look at my work. Putting a piece of your own art out there for everyone to see is a little nerve-wracking. And it doesn't matter what your art may be (i.e. painting, poetry, sculpting), it is your personal portrayal of the world. Sharing it with someone is like letting them have a look directly into your soul. Not everyone is going to agree with your portrayal either. There will always be critics, the biggest being yourself.

Guilty??

I have a little over a week left and I keep waiting for something to go wrong. Everything about my relationship with this man has gone so smoothly. Almost too smoothly.

In my past, everytime I tried to do something, there were roadblocks. Seeing these as mere challenges to my dreams, I fought hard and overcame those barriers. I would come out the other side and things didn't turn out as I believed that they should have. There was heartache, sorrow and my life was worse than before. If I were smart, I would have seen those roadblocks for what they truly were; clear signs that I was on the wrong path.

But there are no roadblocks here. No hurdles to jump, no walls to break down. My sister, who is wise beyond her years, tells me that I need to calm down and focus on what is important. This relationship is meant to be. I am happier than I have ever been and am so excited to be this man's wife. What's my problem then? I don't know what to do with myself! Without heartache, something to complain about and constant worry, what to do next?

It boils down to the fact that I feel guilty about being happy for myself. Maybe I don't feel that I deserve it. But why? I have always put everyone and their happiness first in my life. Here is an opportunity for me to take care of me so that, in turn, I may take care of my family. Why am I having such a hard time with this?

Nightmare

I had the worst nightmare last night.

In my dream, I had quit my job, took my kids out of school and packed up all our belongings. I loaded everything into a moving truck and just as we were getting ready to leave, I received a phone call from my man.

"I've changed my mind," he said, "I can't do this."

"What do you mean changed your mind?" I stammer.

"I don't love you and don't want you to move in with me."

I woke up screaming and in tears.

Almost gone!

Two weeks and I will be gone!! I am so excited to leave Ohio and get back to what I know. I have never felt that this place is where I belong at all. In my bones, I feel it. Time to leave is getting closer and people keep asking if I am nervous. Honestly, I'm not. And that makes me nervous.

I am moving about 2,000 miles away from my family to be with a man in a place where I don't know a single soul. I have never been away from my family and have always been too scared to go too far. Anytime I needed something, they were just a hop, skip and a jump away to make it all better. I could always rely on them to cheer me up, make me laugh and listen to my stupid stories. Need a movie date? Call them up and they were there. Backyard bbqs during the summertime, cheering on the Buckeyes while they kicked Michigan's ass, nights of playing trivial pursuit. They are who makes me, well, me.

I am stepping out of my comfort zone and I am not afraid. I am ready for a change in my life and can't wait to see what is waiting around the next corner. People think that what I am doing is nuts but I have never felt more confident in any decision that I have ever made in my life. I am so excited to start over and begin a new life completely and work to get it right. My companion in this ain't that bad to look at either...

Bad Mom!

I'm sure this is something that all mothers deal with at one time or another: children who refuse to listen. Lately I have felt like my kids and I do not speak the same language. Maybe somewhere in the nine years that I have been a mother, my kids learned to speak Portuguese and I missed it. Whatever the case may be, I am completely frustrated.

There have been times when I will look my kids directly in the eye, explain what needs to be done and they will literally look at me and say, "Huh?" Or after explaining, they will turn around and do the exact opposite. Please tell me I am not the only mother who is dealing with this right now!! What am I supposed to do? I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat your young.

Still I continue to love my kids. They are pains in the booty sometimes, but all in all, they are extremely well behaved. I pity the mother at the grocery store that has to fight with her kids through the entire store or the mother that can't even leave the house for fear of what her kids may do to embarrass her in public. I've always received high praise for how polite and courteous the are. Pat myself on the back for that one!

Tomorrow is a new day...but, oh dear lord, one day closer to the teenage years!!!

It's so close now...

It really hit me today that I will soon be leaving for Arizona. In about four weeks from now, I will be leaving my family behind and traveling 1,800 miles to start a new life. Today was the first day that I actually got truly excited about going.

My three kids are so excited about getting to live in a new place. Somewhere completely different from anywhere they have ever been before. But they are mostly excited about the two new kids they get to live with. Yes, I will become a stepmom. Well, not until we're married, but close enough. My son will finally have another boy around to do things with. I can see it now, all the trouble and mayhem these two boys will create. All the pranks they pull on their sisters, all the bugs collected to scare mom and all the video games played with dad.

This move is going to be so hard, but I know that the benefits of bringing our families together will far outweigh the stress.