Feeling of Love

A lot of people claim to have been in love before. But how do you know for sure that what is going on is in fact love? I've asked friends that fateful question and the only response I have ever heard is "You just know." That doesn't help a person who is looking for a more logical answer.

I've been on a mission lately to find a way to explaining what love is to someone who has never felt this tricky emotion. So far, the only thing that has happened is that I have fallen in love myself. I know what you're thinking, "How do you know it's love?" I just know.

We'll call him Baines and he's absolutely the most amazing man that I have ever known. The real catch is that I have know him for the past 15 years. Both of us attended the same middle school and may have even shared a class or two together. High school evidently followed and again, maybe a class or two. We even had mutual friends and attended some of the same functions. But never once did he make a move on me and truthfully, he was not even on the radar for me.

After graduation, both of us went our seperate ways. Baines' life led him to join the military and explore the world. He soon married and became the father of two children. I, like him, married and had children of my own, only on the other side of our beloved country. During this time, never an email was sent, a phone call made to the other person. We were merely living our own lives.

As our 10-year high school reunion rapidly approached, I could see my marriage crumbling before my very eyes. I saw the reunion as a much needed vacation from all the problems I had been dealing with. A month before leaving, I received an email from my old high school friend saying how he was so excited to see me and talk with me once again. I, too, was excited and could not wait to get out of this town.

I approached the bar and immediately felt nervous. Would everyone around me be able to see through my smiling mask to what lied beneath? A torn, lonely woman in a horrendous marriage? A stiff drink was much needed. As I stood waiting for the bartender, I noticed him. Baines was an exquisite site and he had me immediately. I approached him, said hello and wrapped my arms around his strong physique. My, how he had grown up! This was not the same boy I knew from 10 years ago. He was more masculine, stronger, more confident.

As the night wore on and the more drinks I consumed, I found myself looking for him through the crowd of alumni. Baines moved from one person to the next and soon I found him next to me as I sat with friends. His hand touched my knee and I could feel myself melting. What a warm feeling! He removed his hand almost immediately but it was long enough for his touch to be burned into my memory forever.

At the end of the evening, I made it a point to find Baines and say good night. He noticed me walking towards him, opened his arms and pulled me close to him. Then he said something that stuck with me, "If you weren't married, I'd kiss you." Unbeknownest to him, those words were the catalyst to end my miserable existence as someone's wife.

I left my hometown a few days later and began the journey to a new life almost immediately. After many lonely nights of crying myself to sleep, I left my husband. It was one of the hardest things for me to do with my children but I knew that we would all be happy in the long run. A short time later, I received an email from Baines just saying hello. None of my friends from my past knew about the end of my marriage, this was a welcomed coincidence.

Baines and I began to talk over the phone, through email and text. We began to learn more and more about each other. He told me of his divorce from his wife and how he had grown from the shattered pieces of his marriage. He listened as I cried about the way I was wronged and how, at a time, I felt that the ruin was my fault. Our conversations grew longer and more frequent. We were able to discuss topics I never discussed with another man before.

I began to plan a trip to my hometown and he gradually became a big part of that planning. We grew excited to get to spend time with each other and learn more about what makes each other tick. Shortly afterwards, he stated that he was in deed falling for me. How could this be possible? This statement scared the both of us and I wasn't sure how to take it. From across the country, this man was falling for me?

The time had come for my trip and both of us were scared and excited at the same time. This would be the ultimate test. Would it be so awkward that the time together would be a nightmare or would we just click face to face? Thank God for the latter! We fell into each other's arms and never let go. We confessed our love for each other and began making future plans. We even spent a night at that fateful bar where this story starts.

Now comes the hard part. We are currently apart and missing each other everyday. The phone conversations have taken on new meaning and my love for Baines continue to grow day by day. He has asked me and my children to move in with him and I have never wanted something so much in my life. To get to spend everyday with the man I love is true bliss.

This feeling in my gut tells me that this is love. Believe me, it's not all roses and sunshine. I have days that I am so torn up by these feelings that I can barely breathe. But I know that tomorrow will be a new day; a new day to learn something about him, a new day to love him even more and a new day to feel that someone out there loves me just the same.

You ask how I know? There just is not a logical explanation. There isn't a word in the English language that can explain the emotions, the fear and the rollercoaster ride that love holds. I just know.